To all my fellow moms:

So earlier today, I braved myself up (is that a thing?) to write about breastfeeding.  

This is something that really scared me.

Why?

Because we women can be very mean and vicious and judgmental with each other.  In all honesty, I probably deserve some of the judgments that are handed to me because I used to be quite judgmental myself.  God humbled me, though.  Before Ben was born and I was pregnant, I had the grandest intentions for him.  Plans to breastfeed exclusively, baby wear around the clock, let baby lead our schedule, co-sleep and everything else that the Attachment Parenting movement represents.

Then, as I said, God humbled me.  I thought I had supply issues (in retrospect, I don't believe I did because Ben was growing just fine, but we mothers worry ourselves to death so Ben became largely formula fed), I hated babywearing (I have a bad back), my husband didn't like co-sleeping and I quickly realized that I did NOT enjoy baby-led schedules and it just didn't work for our family.  I even went the way of Cry-It-Out in desperation when Ben was waking umpteen times a night.

Talk about a total turn around and a total humbling.  I ate every last word I had so assuredly declared.  I was exactly the mother I had intended not to be.

It was then that I realized that I have no place to judge.  I have no idea what each individual mother is going through.  I have no idea what life situation they're experiencing, what issues they may be dealing with or what kind of child they have.  Sure, some parents are quite successful and happy practicing Attachment Parenting and that is awesome by me.  Some people prefer to take a more Parent-Led approach and you know what?  That is also fine by me.  Short of abuse or neglect, I think parents should be free to lovingly parent the way they see fit for their own children.

And who the HECK do we think we are declaring that we know what's best for a child not our own more than the mother of that child?!

But the problem?  The problem is that we are a blogging/techy/always-connected society now.  It has never been easier to anonymously judge someone else.  

And boy do moms judge each other!  Why are we so quick to bash someone else's parenting choices?  Why are we tearing each other down?  Behind that blog post you're spewing hate at or that avatar on the message board you're bashing is a real human being.  One with feelings. 

Criticizing fellow moms is not only damaging to that mom, it's damaging to the child(ren) of that mom, as well.  Because an insecure mom cannot be the mom she could be with security and confidence.  It truly does take a village.  

Support and criticism can actually be tough to differentiate between.  A mother encouraging another mother to breastfeed can actually cross the line into passive aggressive criticism.  I've seen it happen many times on message boards and facebook.  A mother who is struggling because her baby is waking every hour to eat and she just can't survive one more day posts in desperation on a message board.  She's just looking for one person to give her permission to feed her baby a bottle for one night.  Or perhaps even once EVERY night.  She's looking for permission because we've made breastfeeding the only option.  We've bashed each other for making any other choice so many times that this mother is convinced that giving her baby one bottle will make her so shamefully horrible that she's not worthy of her child anymore.  Sounds extreme, but I promise it's not.

And instead of giving her permission, the other mothers assure her she can just keep pushing on.  They passive aggressively remind her it's the only option.

The 2008 Chelsea would have done exactly that.  I might not have even been passive aggressive about it.  I might have come right out and said do NOT give your baby formula.  But praise God for showing me how selfish and ignorant I was.  

Another mother found offense in a post I wrote earlier today that I promptly removed.  My post was basically just a "Here's what I wish someone would have told me," post.  I wanted to tell my story of believing that I had supply issues without any valid proof other than my own insecurities and paranoia.  Instead of listening to what the scale was telling me (my baby was growing!), I went the way of formula and was pretty devastated about that because breastfeeding is something very important TO ME.  I love to breastfeed my babies and I love the resulting bond.  I love being the sole source of nutrition and staring at my daughter's fat rolls and knowing they came exclusively from me.   

I wanted to tell that story as someone who has lived it all: the devastation from inadequate supply, the exclusive formula feeding, the exclusive pumping/feeding expressed milk and now the exclusive breastfeeding without supplementation.  My only point was to encourage a mom who might believe she has inadequate supply but who desperately wants to keep breastfeeding that she should!  As long as baby is growing, don't give up if you don't want to.  

But instead, I hurt someone else.  I don't believe there was anything hurtful in my blog post, but I realized that she was hurt because other women have hurt her and judged her because she has true low supply and has had to supplement.  That realization really hit me because this whole idea that we should be supporting our fellow moms instead of tearing each other apart has really been heavy on my heart lately.    

To that mom, I apologize.  Because even though I think my post this morning was pretty innocent, I have certainly done my fair share of judging in the past, so I am indirectly responsible.  To any mom I've ever judged or scolded, I apologize.  

I am a better person today than yesterday and hope for more tomorrow.  Every day I learn and grow and let God lead the way.  

As one mom to another, please, I beg you, think before you criticize the next mom who does something differently than you.  Whether it's vaccinating or co-sleeping or breastfeeding, we all have our own opinions on what's best for our own children and we should be allowed to practice those without fear of persecution.