(Not) Living Up to Expectations

Last night I was talking with the hubs about expectations we had and whether or not they came true.  His idea of what marriage would be like is not how it is.   My idea of what motherhood would be like is not how it is.  Of course we all romanticize things, that's human nature.

I, like so many other little girls, dreamt of the day I'd marry prince charming, have babies and be the perfect housewife.  I was going to make fancy, elaborate meals every night in my spotless kitchen, play with my (well-behaved) children on the sparkling floors with nary a trace of crumb and life would be perfect.

My kids, who would never throw a tantrum or smack each other around, would love me so much!  They'd be mama's girls and boys and that would be AWESOME.  Not clingy or suffocating at all.

We would take lots of fun family trips that wouldn't be the least bit stressful, financially or emotionally.  And yes, we'd have a white picket fence, a perfectly manicured lawn and an overflowing garden that provided us all the food we could need.

The truth is, I know I'm not the only person who romanticized what motherhood would be like.  And I love my kids even more than I could have imagined.  But I was not prepared for the messiness of life as a mom.

This morning, as I was getting ready for Bible Study (which I so desperately needed today) my son was busy pooping all over our house, unbeknownst to me.  GI issues have plagued him since birth, so it's not like this is an anomaly.  But to happen as I'm getting ready to walk out the door to go somewhere I really, really needed to be was a massive letdown that left me in tears.

I've always been a punctual person and motherhood has changed that.  I feel like all I do is arrive late or cancel all together.  If I were friends with me, I wouldn't like me.  It's always annoyed me when people cancel things at the last minute, but now I'm that girl.  I feel like between the two of our children, one of them is almost always sick or so fussy I can't go anywhere.  I feel like a prisoner in my house, so when I get the opportunity to grocery shop alone, it's like heaven's gates have opened for me.

And the behavioral problems - OH LAWDY!  Terrible twos were rough, but as we transition into three, I'm quickly realizing that what people say - three is worse than two - is right.  And I've heard four is worse than three, so Lord please help me survive these next 6-7 years!  Ben has been a bit trying at times, but it was nothing I couldn't handle and I could generally see past my irritation that he was behaving as two-year-olds behave.

Then something happened.  Some little flip switched in his brain and in the last few weeks, he's become a destructive, mean and crazy toddler.  He whips through the house, showing no mercy to anything in his path, including his sister.  That poor little girl has been knocked over, kicked around and smacked upside the head more times than I could ever begin to count.  Time-out has become an enjoyable event as he smacks her and then announces, "Me go time-out!" while marching himself up to his room.

Clearly not working.

I brilliantly plotted to take away a toy each time he showed aggression.  The first few I actually threw in the trash (a clean trash bag, mind you) and told him to say bye-bye.  Now he happily grabs me a toy to take away and says, "Bye-bye!" as I go hide it.

He is unpunishable.

I consider myself lucky if I have time to rip open a bag of frozen dinner to cook on the stovetop for ten minutes.  The sink overflows with dishes, the laundry room is always filled with piles of dirty clothes, our garden is weeds, our floors are disgusting, I don't get many showers anymore and my sanity is quickly disappearing.  I'm afraid I'll never see it again.

My daughter is a mama's girl alright.  I got my wish.  If she cries at night, I have to be the one to calm her.  If I walk in the door from grocery shopping without her, I can't even put those groceries away because she just starts crying if I don't touch her immediately.  It's half awesome/half draining to have someone so dependent on you at all times.

Women should have to take a class before becoming moms.  If I'd have known, perhaps the blow would have been less breathtaking.  When life falls short of expectations, it can be really soul crushing.