Frustration.

My heart is breaking.  My little baby girl can no longer get what she needs from me.  

I had supply issues with Ben.  I might have caused them by thinking I had supply issues when I actually didn't and supplementing.  Who knows.  I never will know.  But I do know that around 7 months, I had totally dried up and he was exclusively formula fed.  It was really tough for me.  

As a mom, we often wrap our security up in how well we can (or can't) provide for our children.  Just as I've heard some moms talk about the depression that accompanies premature birth - feeling that their bodies aren't capable of carrying their babies as long as they need to be carried - I've heard many moms talk about the failure they feel when their bodies don't produce enough milk.  

I'm one of them.  I made it my mission to make milk this go 'round.  And things were going beautifully until I unintentionally got pregnant again.  Shortly after getting the positive test, I noticed some serious changes in the nursing department.  About a month ago, I suddenly went from being able to pump 4 ounces to only drops.  While they say pumping output isn't indicative of the amount of milk baby is getting, when one goes from pumping 4 ounces to pumping nothing overnight while also being pregnant, it's pretty safe to assume there was a massive supply drop.  This accompanied a sudden loss of letdown (haven't felt it once since that day a month ago when I was able to pump only a few drops) and the gut feeling of emptiness.  She only swallows once or twice during an entire nursing session.  She wakes up 5 or 6 times at night to eat.  She's only having a couple of wet diapers a day.  I want to think it's in my head, but I can't anymore.

And so, with a heavy heart, I called her doctor yesterday.  Her clothes seem to be getting looser, she doesn't have enough wet diapers and she absolutely, positively WILL NOT drink formula.  I even tried the Dr. Sears recipe for goat's milk formula, which just tastes like sweet milk.  She absolutely, positively WILL NOT drink that, either.  People say, "Oh just give it time!  She'll come around to it!"  They don't seem to understand that this has been going on for two months.  If she hasn't come around to it yet, can I have any faith that she will?  

Maybe if she ate tons of food, I'd feel less like a failure as a mama.  But just as she's picky about her milk, she's picky about her food, too.  She eats mostly purees, though she has begun to dabble in the world of real food in the last week or two, eating tiny bites of things like bread and fruit.  I still can't get vegetables in this girl to save my life, but I'm trying not to lose hope on that, either.  

It's tough for me because I already failed once.  I thought after 8 months of successful breastfeeding with Adalyn that we were golden.  What could possibly go wrong?  I even read that most pregnant women don't see too much of a supply drop right away, so I figured I'd make it to her first birthday before watching this disaster unravel.  

Being able to provide for your children in such a basic way is something I wanted so, so badly.  I wanted to be like all the other women I know who have no problems being the sole provider for their children.  And once I was five or six months into breastfeeding this time, after reading article after article, I was convinced that I never would have had supply issues with Ben if I had had more support.  As a first-time mom, it's so easy to be scared you're not making enough.  After all, we can't visibly see how much our babies are eating, so how can we be certain they're getting enough?  Couple that with the weight gain issues Ben experienced and the hypoallergenic formula the doctor had us put Ben on when he had blood in his poop around 1.5 to 2 months and I was totally dejected.  I just knew I didn't have enough for him, so I continued supplementing with formula, and then not pumping enough, and I probably was solely responsible for my loss of supply with him.  Since I had that all figured out, I had just come to assume I would be nursing Adalyn until at least a year, probably longer.  

I was wrong.  And I think it stings a little more because I thought I had it all figured out.

There are many reasons we shouldn't get pregnant before our babies are a year old.  Our bodies need time to recuperate (I just read recently that a study shows this baby has a 40% chance of being born premature because I got pregnant too soon - awesome, Chelsea).  And our babies need breastmilk!  I guess my body is so focused on making this baby that it just can't make milk, too.  One would think that the very fact I've gained nine pounds already says I'm eating more than enough to be making milk and a baby, but I guess not.  

The reality is that she'll live.  I know that.  She'll get hungry enough that she'll take formula or she will get by on purees until she learns how to eat more real food.  Hopefully the doctor can give us some pointers to get more liquid in her so she doesn't get dehydrated.

Please God, if you're listening, let me be able to provide for this next baby.  I don't think I can take a third failure!

For anyone else who has also had supply issues, how did you get past the feeling of failing as a mama?

EDITED FOR UPDATE: So the doctor says stop nursing, give her cow's milk.  Since she hates formula and goat's milk, I'm not assuming she'll love cow's milk but it's worth a shot, right?  But STOP NURSING.  Stop nursing.  :(

That was the last thing this hormonal pregnant gal wanted to hear today.  I don't know why, but ending nursing is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and I'm not ready to go through that again.  I wasn't hormonal and pregnant the last time I had to do it and even then I about had a breakdown.  I can only imagine how swimmingly well it'll go this time.