The Lazy Girl's Guide to Painting Furniture

Alternately titled: How Many Things Can Go Wrong in One Simple Paint Project?

Alternately titled: Maybe You Shouldn't Take Painting Advice from Me

Taking a cue from my friend and her Lazy Lady's Guide to Potty Training, (awesome, by the way), here's the down-low on today's painting project.

Nothing makes a procrastinator stop procrastinating like posting a picture of something I want to do and saying I'm going to do it.  

But this ain't my first rodeo.  I refinished Addie's dresser.  Then I painted some old dressers for our master bedroom.   And some other smaller projects.  Painting furniture is fun, but it takes FOR-EVER.  If you do it the right way.  

But today, we're doing it the wrong way.  Mmmhmm, we like to live dangerously.  We like to...skip sanding...not take the furniture apart...not worry about the underside.  And other such rebellious things. 

If you have an ugly piece of furniture but don't feel like investing many hours of your life in making it pretty, then join me, friends.  This tutorial won't net you flawless, gorgeous, showcase-worthy furniture.  In fact, you'll probably want to make sure no one ever looks too closely.  But in my case, it's just going in my craft room and it just needs to look prettier than it did, so I'm okay with a pretty good job.  Plus, my philosophy on this is that if it's already really ugly, then doing a pretty good job is already improving it exponentially.  Who's with me?

You might remember my craft desk.  

I pulled her outside onto the deck, put my princess down for a nap and pulled together the necessities: some primer, a can of spray paint, some regular interior paint for the top of the table, a foam roller brush, some small foam brushes, a drop cloth and a paint tray.  I happen to have all these on hand because I really, really love painting.

Now slap on a coat of primer.  I didn't sand.  I know, oh-no-she-di'int!  You might have to if you're painting painted furniture, but this was just raw, stained wood, so I got gutsy and said boo-ya to the sander. 

(Also, please don't judge my hideous deck.  It's on the to-do list.  Perhaps it should take precedence over my crafting desk.  But it doesn't.  So there.)

You might notice my lovely choice in holder-downer things for the drop cloth.  Here's lesson #1 in what not to do.  I forgot to use holder-downer things at first, so my plastic blew in the wind and got stuck to the freshly-primed legs.  Not fun to deal with.  Here's lesson #2: use things that you won't be upset to get paint on.  Because you will. 

Alright, now take your little foam brush and get moving on those pesky little corners and bottoms (like above).  Just quick and easy.  Remember, this is the lazy girl's guide.  Don't get all perfectionist on me right now.  I'm a perfectionist and even I can do a lazy job.  

Rinse and repeat for a second coat if you need it.  I did it just to be on the safe side.  Who knows if I actually needed it.  But nothing irritates me more than realizing after the fact that I should have done two coats of primer.  

Okay, I lie.  There are a lot more irritating things in life.  Like stepping on the scale after walking five miles the day before and realizing you're up two pounds (been there).  Or realizing after sewing an entire pants leg that you forgot to turn your stitch dial off zig-zag (done that).

 

I did the same thing to my chair because it was yellow and ugly.   This time I got even more inventive and used my herbs as holder-downer things.  You might notice that my herbs look pathetic.  Shout-out to my son for that.  He likes to "help" mommy & daddy by ripping the herbs out of their pots.  I think these babies have been repotted three times now.

Remember when I said to expect to get paint on your holder-downers?  Well I got primer in my basil pot.  I'll be sure to let you know if I die next week from primer-tainted basil.

Lesson #3: Don't try to rinse out your foam roller if you're using primer.  Maybe everyone but me knows this aaaaand I'm unsure how I just now figured this out, but if you try to rinse and save your brush, it will result in quite possibly the largest mess you've ever had on your hands.  Literally.  

You might then panic when you realize that your hands are completely covered in greasy primer that WON'T COME OFF AND OH-MY-GOSH-WHAT-AM-I-SUPPOSED-TO-DO-IF-ADDIE-WAKES-UP-RIGHT-NOW?!  Then you may run outside, grabbing the kitchen scrub brush as you go, when you realize that you might be ruining your bathroom sink with primer and then you may get primer all over the hose (if you're reading this before you get home, honey, remember I love you) and you might scrub your skin raw with a kitchen scrub brush and still not get much of the primer off.  Then you'll look down at the puddle of water and primer you're standing in and realize that you now have primer-covered feet and legs (and grass).  So you'll scrub those raw, too.  And ruin your pedicure.

And your kitchen scrub brush.

Then if you're hippy-dippy like me, you'll freak out that the primer has absorbed into your skin and breastfeeding your baby may kill her.  And you might try to decide what's worse: breastmilk with a side of primer or formula.

I'm still undecided on that one, but I went with breastmilk and she's still alive.  Twitching a little, but alive.

I kid, I kid.

If your child is perfect like mine (no, really, she is), she'll wake up exactly as you finish getting all most of the primer off your skin (no, really, she did). 

Then go inside and take care of your child(ren) and let your furniture dry in the sun.  Or if it's winter and cold and you can't do this outside, then let it dry in your garage.  Or I guess in your house if you really, really have to, but need I get all preachy on paint & primer fumes?  Remember, I'm hippy like that.  

Once the primer is dry, take it somewhere you can spray paint it.  You can use regular paint, too.  Really do whatever you want, folksies.  I just chose spray paint because I'm wanting this to be fast.  And because it doesn't need to be perfect.  If I were giving this to a someone or making it for the kids or something, I would be meticulous and this blog post wouldn't be titled what it is.

 Just in case you happen to be using your potted herbs, too, remember: safety first, kids.  Cover them bad boys up before spray painting.

  A few once-overs with the spray paint should be good, or basically until you can't see any color but the one you're going for.  Remember to spray from kind of far away.  You don't want drips and the like.  I know we're being lazy, but we're not that lazy.

I did the same to the table, but then I wanted to paint the table top a little different color.  So I dug through our paint collection and pulled out a nice, calming blue.  Remember I'm going for peaceful and serene here.  

Lesson #4: Always hammer your paint lid back on when you're done with it.  This paint is a few years old and the lid wasn't completely closed, so it was total goop.  Like glue.  I had to actually scrape it out of the can with a paint stirrer.  

I don't know that this picture really does it justice, but it was like glue.  

I live on the edge, so I used it.  I know you're getting tired of hearing this, but this table is for me only and I didn't feel like using any other color so I just went with it.  

Surprisingly, it worked fine.  Still, close your paint lids!  Save the world!

Then things took a drastic turn for the worse when, out of nowhere, the primer can jumped out of my hands and threw itself onto the deck.  I suppose in an attempt to get away from me and my incompetence?  I don't know, but I think I'm breaking up with primer.  Again, honey, if you're reading, I really, really, really love you.

Ooooooooooooooh.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Like the ocean waves.  Ommmmmmmm.

I rolled it on and didn't think it needed a second coat (BECAUSE IT'S GLUE which, as it turns out, can actually come in handy), so I stuck it out in the sun, let it dry for awhile and then like a kid on Christmas morning, giddily brought it inside and set up shop.

I love it!  Imperfections and all.  Just don't look closely if you're ever at my house for a visit.

My new happy place.  See?  Wasn't that easy?  It took me a little over 2 hours from start to finish, but remember the insane amount of disasters I survived?  Obviously your time will vary a lot depending on what you're painting and how disaster-prone you are, but this went by much more quickly than my other paint jobs and even though it's not perfect, you can't tell unless you get close.  And for my craft table, I'm totally cool with that.  It'll be our little secret, me and her.