A revelation of massive proportions.

I'm really struggling.  That's not some big secret.  Adalyn has been a high-needs baby mostly since birth, and 11 months of it has worn me thin.  

I've spent a lot of time whining and complaining and, honestly, feeling really sorry for myself.  Making myself a martyr is kind of lame, right?  I'm not the first mom to experience a fussy baby who has problems sleeping.  And I'm not the first mom to experience that with a toddler who also doesn't sleep.  In fact, in comparison to LOTS of other mothers' lives, I still have it easy.  

But I'm dense and sometimes selfish and I don't see that sort of stuff until it slams into my face going 100 miles an hour.  

This morning I was feeling particularly crummy and sorry for myself.  Adalyn now sleeps through the night but no longer naps and wakes up really early.  This morning it was 5:00 a.m.  And that's after never napping yesterday, which has pretty much become her new norm.  So I thought surely she would nap today, but she won't.  And I have a horrendous cold and I feel like an 18 wheeler ran over my head and then backed up a couple of times.

So I consulted Dr. Sears to see if he had any literature on his website regarding high-needs babies.  Turns out, he does.  A lot of it.  And it all said mostly the same thing: quit yer whining.

I was feeling all defensive about it, yelling out things in my head like, "Hey now!  I'm sleep deprived and pregnant and have a baby who cries all day!  I get to be upset and sad about that!" and almost quit reading all together until I came across this:

"Instead of feeling sorry for yourself that you didn't get enough sleep, just don't expect as much from yourself that day." 

Well, duh.  I suppose I could do that, too.  I have a wicked case of The Guilts and I am always feeling guilty for something.  If it's not my children's picky eating then it's that they don't sleep and that's my fault and that Adalyn cries and that's my fault and that the house is ALWAYS a mess and what a terrible housewife I am and so on and so forth.  I don't ever nap when Adalyn naps (er, when she used to nap) because there are things to be done, dangit!  What kind of wife am I if Tim has to come home to a messy house and no food on the table?!  

Which, er, happens more than I'd like to admit.  

But that little sentence hit me.  Instead of using my high-needs baby as a tool to allow myself to whine and feel sorry for myself all the time, I can use it as a tool to do what I need to do anyway: lose the guilt.

Yep, my baby cries a lot, still.  She sleeps like crap.  She is very needy and wants mommy or daddy almost all the time.  So it's okay if I take advantage of a nap time for myself and let the laundry slide.  It's okay if I make breakfast for dinner for the 3rd time in a week because it's easy and I'm wiped out.  It doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad wife.  Whining and feeling sorry for myself all the time?  That does.  

I'm going to cut myself some slack, accept that this is our life right now, but realize that because this is our life, I can make adjustments to my work schedule and feel totally okay about that.  That's how I'll be the best mommy I can be.  By cutting myself some slack and kicking my feet up sometimes.  Not by crying in my coffee.